What happen to me?

I feel emptiness suddenly...juz duno wat's happening to me. Seldom blogged in English but this time I really lazy to type in chinese. Dayao finally came to an end...i shud feel happy. I never regretted as a musician head for dayao 2010. Over the past 6 months, I learnt many things...sincerely from my heart...thanks to all d producing group and non-producing group members...thanks to all for making this event successful^^miss u guys. Maybe the problem that makes me feel empty suddenly might be...I'm not that busy anymore. Ya...had been busy all these times managing dayao musicians. I admitted that I'm not a good leader coz sometimes I'm kinda blur...anyway, its over and I feel relieved when seniors said I did a good job. But...i juz wan to noe, did I really did a good job? Juz dun like when ppl said that I did a good job when I don't feel I did a good job...can anyone tell me that...am I a good leader? I nid not to be good in playing music, or talented in music arrangement...I juz wan to noe that...have I manage it well?

After dayao, I'm totally exhausted...I have loads of assignments n presentations n tests as well...but I don't have the mood to do them...n I rested for two whole days. I was thinking a lot for these two days...really moody=.=Feel like talking to someone. Juz nid somebody to understand me...to share my problems. I nid a person who is a Christian to share my thinking...and only that believer in Christ can understand me I guess. As a Christian, I noe I shud put God in the first place. I tried hard to reach God, but defeated by my human nature...I'm so damn exhausted everyday n I realised that I neglected Him. I'm so called a Christian...am I really a Christian? Seldom attended church since I entered uni...what happen to me? To other people who dun understands me as a Christian, u might see that I'm joyful always n have a simple thinking. I have complicated thoughts...of coz non-believers will not understand me. I'm struggling. I noe...my faith is not strong in God. I am not an overcomer...an my journey to be an overcomer is far enough.

God first loved us, even when I have forgotten Him sometimes...He still guides me when I am in a depression. Shall I just only call upon His name when I'm not feeling good? I feel guilty many times because HE STILL LOVES ME and yet only I call upon His name when I'm in depression. Always asked for forgiveness...but have I totally repented? Nope. I'm sure of that...because I have a human nature. 2012...izit coming? I saw the world is losing control each single day...disasters, death, crimes...n I have a book in my hometown - Bible code. Have not read it...but in that book it reveals the signs in the Holy Bible that the world is going to come to an end. Indeed...many things has happened. Am I afraid of death? I can't answer this right now. As a so called Christian, I shud not be afraid of death. Ya..a so called "Christian". Christians do not have an easy life...because each and everyday...we struggled. I do not treat Chrstianity as a religion as other people from other religions sees us as a religion. I noe that I am a beloved child of God, a believer of Jesus...n i sinned many times...repeated sins. I nid some advice on this...haiz. Honestly, I do not like the movie 2012. I don't know why...I was impressed by the producers of the movie from the animations n graphics...but not the storyline. It was kinda......making me sick. Not b'coz of the world ends. But something that I don't know.

Borned in a Buddhist family, I have been a so called Christian for over 10 years, baptized...but, I can feel I'm not wholly devoted. I said my prayers, read the word of God, attended church...yet...I do not feel much satisfaction with what I have in God. I need more. Of course, I'm just a normal human...I can sin easily, influenced easily by the world...which I am now. And feeling guilty is a sin as well...Satan's trap. I juz can't hold it...b'coz I do not have a strong faith in God. I'm still struggling...I have always encourage my Christian brothers n sisters in Christ to seek God in the 1st place when depressed...yet...I have failed to do it...I hope that I can improve on this...and I believe I will do it.

Juz feel moody these days...have been thinking too much when I do nothing...though I had many things to do...i had stopped listening to songs these 2 days...juz started back now. Juz wondering why I'm so emo...

一颗被冲淡的心

时间真的将一切冲淡了。虽然无法将有关的记忆删除，至少不会再时时刻刻莫名的去想念他了。过去就让它过去吧。已经彻底的死了这颗心。

可是，这颗心仍然不听话。明明已经没事了，为何还死都不肯去联络人家呢？
偶尔无意中碰到他，却假装看不见他
心里也知道，他看见了
但是，就是不想接触他的眼光
不想再痛第二次了
痛也痛过了，心也不再滴血了。
或许，不想再碰面了吧。
就让我的生活这样平淡的走下去...
一个没有他的生活，一个忙碌的生活
从心碎的那一刻，就一直这样一步步的走...

面具已经拆下了
脸上的表情不再因此而虚假
微笑...是真心的在笑
心里再也没有悲伤的存在
一切已经被冲淡了
不再有任何的牵挂
不再有任何的希望

就算一切从美好的那一段开始，也不愿意为他再次付出这颗心
因为...这颗心是那么的脆弱
经不起狂风暴雨
这颗心...只需要一颗真心对待它的心
它一直在等待那颗能感动它的心，那颗真诚的心

那颗能与这颗心的结合，何时会出现呢？
随缘吧~~

对他说的话

这些话
真的不知道要怎么告诉他
我很不开心~~
开学第一天
一直在别人面前微笑~~好高难度
差点喘不过气来了

朋友们，我不想大家看到我不开心
大家这个学期会因为大摇会累垮~~
所以请原谅我不乖~~
不想因为个人的情绪而影响别人的心情

其实...这段时间真的不想跟他联络
也不想碰到
我不是在冷战
我只是在保护我自己
不想再有一丝的牵挂
不想再给自己有一丝希望
不想再加深伤口
这个伤口...应该会很快痊愈吧
等我完完全全放开...
或许就会有再联络的一天~~
以后真的不小心碰面怎么办呢？
我能逃避吗？

真心话...
我真的不是在责怪他
也不是在责怪别人
对不起这句话
应该是我说才对
不是他说...
因为由始至终
错的或许是我

或许这段时间我会冷漠了些
真的不是冷战
我只是不想面对他
未来有一天
不痛了...再说吧

在此，也要再次告诉他~~
祝你幸福

对自己说的话

今天就一直闷闷不乐~~
一直在想...想太多了

一直告诉自己...
这一切一点都不值得留恋
接下来的日子还有好多的东西等着我去做
不能因为一时闹情绪而放弃一切
在大摇里也负有重任，乐手不能因为组长不开心而被我毁了~~

原来...
自己的演技实在是太好了
连家人也没发现我的异样
哈哈...这样也好
至少他们不会担心我~~也不想让他们担心

这个面具
虽然我不想戴，但我也会暂时戴着...
不想要别人为我烦心

这一切
都是我的错
我不怪任何人，只怪我自己
已经不是第一次了
原来，我的感情世界一路来都是那么的崎岖
第二次受伤了
就让时间来愈合我的伤口吧

...

心痛...又能如何？
谁能在此刻听我发牢骚？
我试着去哭...一直都哭不出来
所有有关的回忆...都被删除了

假装没事，真的很辛苦...
明天回大学了...又要再戴上面具了
何时才能把这个面具摘下？

结束了...一切都结束了...
忙碌的日子再来吧，快点给我多多功课做~~

黑暗永恒

血红色彼岸花开得绚烂
照亮着黑暗
爱上你邪魅的俊脸
凄美的美丽的冷漠双眼

随着浪漫旋律在舞厅上起舞
心碎的嘶吼突然划破天际

*银白色的锋利 刺破柔嫩颈项
蓝色眼眸瞬间化为红色双眼
爱顿时变成恨 不再接触阳光
永远被封锁在你的黑暗

曙光下照耀着我的绝望
刺眼得心痛
难道故事就在此剧终
仍然痴迷着你妖邪脸庞

橙红月光下你显得优美潇洒
白色玫瑰花被我血液染红

*银白色的锋利 刺破柔嫩颈项
蓝色眼眸瞬间化为红色双眼
爱顿时变成恨 不再接触阳光
永远被封锁在你的黑暗

曾经爱得热烈 你的薄唇
慢慢失去控制

*银白色的锋利 刺破柔嫩颈项
蓝色眼眸瞬间化为红色双眼
爱顿时变成恨 不再接触阳光
永远被封锁在你的黑暗

你将我化身为黑暗的奴隶

校创

校创过了有一周多了
忙得现在才有时间写有关我在校创的点滴
第二首创作
就这样莫名其妙的进了校创十强
十强公布的前一晚
一点都不兴奋
因为我有更多更重要的东西要做
功课啦，又不够睡啦~~~

十强成绩公布的当天
我真是吓到
而且...有个junior还说我看起来很开心
哈哈...那是被吓到
当时的想法就是...整个星期完蛋了
功课堆积如山，还有project还没做
还要兼顾参加校创
walau...我不是万能的咧！
整个星期没什么睡到...样子更惨去了
我不要啊~~~

校创当天
我还在赶功课
就连大家在soundcheck，练习，搬东西的时候
我仍然离不开我的宝贝电脑
因为当天11.59pm之前我一定要把功课交上
而且网络当时慢到像只蜗牛
一题花了我整个小时来做
其实我没帮大家set up...我很内疚了
对不起大家...

已接近下午四时了
我才做到一题
完蛋了...我已经预了当天是很难交到功课了
结果...我做了最“好”的选择
就是~~~~~~~~~~~抄功课
哈哈哈...我们三个都中了plagarism
不错不错...有“前途”

虽然当天很忙...忙着做功课
但是我对我的歌曲进到十强又有不同的想法了
我的歌...不是写得很好
但是只要大家都能听到我的创作
不管好不好听
这已经足够了

其实当天我有点不爽
不爽的原因是因为我的宿舍CCC竟然开会
大部分的junior都告诉我PTH很重要
曾经是PTH的一份子
我当然很明白PTH的重要性
Junior们都很怕住不到宿舍
我很理解他们的心情
为什么CCC一定要在当晚开会呢？
校创经历了不少的风风雨雨
我们还要被edu fac的technician shoot到够力
被经济问题捆绑，更惨的是申请这个活动时还要被HEP狠狠的shoot了几轮
但是CCC的会议一申请就可以了
为什么不能在别天举行呢？

就因为一个宿舍的会议
大家都不能来校创了
3rd的大摇exec们，3rd的校创筹委，3rd的华人...
全都不能来看校创了
唉...
我知道这不是我该说的话
更不该有的想法
但是这确实就是我的想法
或许我该体谅cc head的感受
我不知道~~~很矛盾

校创结束后
我开始blur了
连大家兴高彩烈的在sahur庆功我都提早走了
太累了
不过...虽然当天没得到什么奖
但是心中莫名的...有一种无法描述的满足感
谢谢stephen为我编曲...也要谢谢媛婷死都要我交歌
还要谢谢颖超为我唱这首歌...也谢谢Malcolm做我这首歌的乐手
哈哈~~