...

离祂越来越远了...
不想生命里没有了主
似乎快从主的身边被切割了
我知道我不够爱主...
一次又一次的明知故犯
犯了不该犯的罪
答应了主的事情...我做不到
答应了长辈的事情...我做不到
但是，我也不知道要找谁来说心事
我需要的是一个基督徒...一个可以让我重回主身边的人...
不想一错再错了

身边的朋友，没有一个能理解我
因为...身边的人...大部分都还没被得救
就连他...也尚未被得救
大家都对主那么的抗拒
我也不知如何从何开始
开始在尚未得救的人...在他们的心里种下主的种子
每个人...都对自己的信仰那么的执着
是需要一些时间来消化主
连我自己...就算被得救了，仍然明知故犯
主还会原谅我吗？

很多事情，我不想说
不是不敢说...
是怕说了以后
会造成伤害
主啊...
请您告诉我，我该如何接近您？
我该如何完完全全的融入您？
我该如何不再犯错？
我该如何将身边的人带入您的生命？

选择不说

很多事情
我选择不说
不是我有心要隐瞒
是在害怕...
害怕说了之后会伤害别人，也伤害自己...

对不起
今天，我失言了
我不想的

说我没事
只是一种掩饰

我还是...
选择不说

难过

好难过...

别人看了我的部落格...会认为我是个怎样的人呢？
我不悲观...只是在我不开心的时候会写部落格

这一刻，我真的很想哭
我可以哭出来
但是，我不想影响别人的情绪

回到宿舍，一直都在强忍泪水
不让它们流下来
不想让别人看到我伤心的样子
写着写着...我一直都在忍着眼泪

想到一个人跟我说的话
想到我们的未来
想了许多许多...心也酸起来了
心真的很痛...很想找个地方痛苦一顿
偏偏回到宿舍房间里竟然有人...
所以只好一直忍着...忍着...

我真的好厉害...
竟然没漏出任何异样...
这样最好
我该说什么呢？

再伤心，也只好忍着...
考试比较重要

主啊，我到底该怎么做呢？

我不是大好人

你是个好人...这个句子跟了我好多年...
从中学至今，大家都说我是个好人
还有人说我是烂好人
我还能有什么反应？
惟有陪笑来回应...

并不觉得我是个好人
我也有自私的一面
难道没有人看得出来吗？

我承认我是个随和的人
但是偶尔我帮人解决问题的时候会埋怨
埋怨着为什么一定要找我
我不是你们想象中的得空

有时候，我真的是撑不下去了
但是没有人了解我的苦处
硬是要我下手才甘愿
情愿我什么都不会
情愿我只是一个普通的人
我只想过我想要过的生活

以后不要再逼我做我不想做的东西
因为...我不会拒绝
不拒绝...不代表我是心甘情愿的
但是...我会忙死了
许多不眠的夜晚
都是因为我永远都学不会拒绝

害怕

我害怕...
害怕失去他
害怕不能与他相爱
害怕从此跟他分开
害怕他不能再疼我
害怕某某人把我们拆散
害怕告诉他...某某人不鼓励我爱他

他，成了我的男朋友
但是...我好害怕
害怕某某人的反对
喜欢一个人是要分宗教的吗？
喜欢他，因为他是我的他
而不是因为他的背景...

每回某某人打给我
告诉我只能与他做朋友
告诉我他不是我的命中注定
告诉我要祈祷...让神来为我决定我的命中注定
还要是个基督教徒

不敢告诉他某某人对我说的话
不想破坏目前美好的一切
每一天...我都在挣扎
每一天...都要担心某某人告诉我的话
每一天...都在担心我们的恋爱是否快到尽头
每一天...都在强忍心痛
因为我...好喜欢他

他还不知道...也不想让他知道
我在过着幸福中的不幸
才开始不久...我不要它结束

多希望时间能永远停留在我们在一起的每一刻
喜欢一个人，是不需要理由的
也不需要由别人的嘴唇来代我告诉某某人我们的关系
更不需要分彼此的背景

真的好害怕...有谁能解除我心中的不安？
谁能给我一个安慰的拥抱？谁能让我在他的肩膀痛哭？

我希望某某人的间谍看到我的部落格之后，不要再告诉某某人我在这里写的东西
因为我需要一个情绪发泄的空间
不要再加重我的负担了...

What happen to me?

I feel emptiness suddenly...juz duno wat's happening to me. Seldom blogged in English but this time I really lazy to type in chinese. Dayao finally came to an end...i shud feel happy. I never regretted as a musician head for dayao 2010. Over the past 6 months, I learnt many things...sincerely from my heart...thanks to all d producing group and non-producing group members...thanks to all for making this event successful^^miss u guys. Maybe the problem that makes me feel empty suddenly might be...I'm not that busy anymore. Ya...had been busy all these times managing dayao musicians. I admitted that I'm not a good leader coz sometimes I'm kinda blur...anyway, its over and I feel relieved when seniors said I did a good job. But...i juz wan to noe, did I really did a good job? Juz dun like when ppl said that I did a good job when I don't feel I did a good job...can anyone tell me that...am I a good leader? I nid not to be good in playing music, or talented in music arrangement...I juz wan to noe that...have I manage it well?

After dayao, I'm totally exhausted...I have loads of assignments n presentations n tests as well...but I don't have the mood to do them...n I rested for two whole days. I was thinking a lot for these two days...really moody=.=Feel like talking to someone. Juz nid somebody to understand me...to share my problems. I nid a person who is a Christian to share my thinking...and only that believer in Christ can understand me I guess. As a Christian, I noe I shud put God in the first place. I tried hard to reach God, but defeated by my human nature...I'm so damn exhausted everyday n I realised that I neglected Him. I'm so called a Christian...am I really a Christian? Seldom attended church since I entered uni...what happen to me? To other people who dun understands me as a Christian, u might see that I'm joyful always n have a simple thinking. I have complicated thoughts...of coz non-believers will not understand me. I'm struggling. I noe...my faith is not strong in God. I am not an overcomer...an my journey to be an overcomer is far enough.

God first loved us, even when I have forgotten Him sometimes...He still guides me when I am in a depression. Shall I just only call upon His name when I'm not feeling good? I feel guilty many times because HE STILL LOVES ME and yet only I call upon His name when I'm in depression. Always asked for forgiveness...but have I totally repented? Nope. I'm sure of that...because I have a human nature. 2012...izit coming? I saw the world is losing control each single day...disasters, death, crimes...n I have a book in my hometown - Bible code. Have not read it...but in that book it reveals the signs in the Holy Bible that the world is going to come to an end. Indeed...many things has happened. Am I afraid of death? I can't answer this right now. As a so called Christian, I shud not be afraid of death. Ya..a so called "Christian". Christians do not have an easy life...because each and everyday...we struggled. I do not treat Chrstianity as a religion as other people from other religions sees us as a religion. I noe that I am a beloved child of God, a believer of Jesus...n i sinned many times...repeated sins. I nid some advice on this...haiz. Honestly, I do not like the movie 2012. I don't know why...I was impressed by the producers of the movie from the animations n graphics...but not the storyline. It was kinda......making me sick. Not b'coz of the world ends. But something that I don't know.

Borned in a Buddhist family, I have been a so called Christian for over 10 years, baptized...but, I can feel I'm not wholly devoted. I said my prayers, read the word of God, attended church...yet...I do not feel much satisfaction with what I have in God. I need more. Of course, I'm just a normal human...I can sin easily, influenced easily by the world...which I am now. And feeling guilty is a sin as well...Satan's trap. I juz can't hold it...b'coz I do not have a strong faith in God. I'm still struggling...I have always encourage my Christian brothers n sisters in Christ to seek God in the 1st place when depressed...yet...I have failed to do it...I hope that I can improve on this...and I believe I will do it.

Juz feel moody these days...have been thinking too much when I do nothing...though I had many things to do...i had stopped listening to songs these 2 days...juz started back now. Juz wondering why I'm so emo...

一颗被冲淡的心

时间真的将一切冲淡了。虽然无法将有关的记忆删除，至少不会再时时刻刻莫名的去想念他了。过去就让它过去吧。已经彻底的死了这颗心。

可是，这颗心仍然不听话。明明已经没事了，为何还死都不肯去联络人家呢？
偶尔无意中碰到他，却假装看不见他
心里也知道，他看见了
但是，就是不想接触他的眼光
不想再痛第二次了
痛也痛过了，心也不再滴血了。
或许，不想再碰面了吧。
就让我的生活这样平淡的走下去...
一个没有他的生活，一个忙碌的生活
从心碎的那一刻，就一直这样一步步的走...

面具已经拆下了
脸上的表情不再因此而虚假
微笑...是真心的在笑
心里再也没有悲伤的存在
一切已经被冲淡了
不再有任何的牵挂
不再有任何的希望

就算一切从美好的那一段开始，也不愿意为他再次付出这颗心
因为...这颗心是那么的脆弱
经不起狂风暴雨
这颗心...只需要一颗真心对待它的心
它一直在等待那颗能感动它的心，那颗真诚的心

那颗能与这颗心的结合，何时会出现呢？
随缘吧~~