我不是大好人

你是个好人...这个句子跟了我好多年...
从中学至今，大家都说我是个好人
还有人说我是烂好人
我还能有什么反应？
惟有陪笑来回应...

并不觉得我是个好人
我也有自私的一面
难道没有人看得出来吗？

我承认我是个随和的人
但是偶尔我帮人解决问题的时候会埋怨
埋怨着为什么一定要找我
我不是你们想象中的得空

有时候，我真的是撑不下去了
但是没有人了解我的苦处
硬是要我下手才甘愿
情愿我什么都不会
情愿我只是一个普通的人
我只想过我想要过的生活

以后不要再逼我做我不想做的东西
因为...我不会拒绝
不拒绝...不代表我是心甘情愿的
但是...我会忙死了
许多不眠的夜晚
都是因为我永远都学不会拒绝

害怕

我害怕...
害怕失去他
害怕不能与他相爱
害怕从此跟他分开
害怕他不能再疼我
害怕某某人把我们拆散
害怕告诉他...某某人不鼓励我爱他

他，成了我的男朋友
但是...我好害怕
害怕某某人的反对
喜欢一个人是要分宗教的吗？
喜欢他，因为他是我的他
而不是因为他的背景...

每回某某人打给我
告诉我只能与他做朋友
告诉我他不是我的命中注定
告诉我要祈祷...让神来为我决定我的命中注定
还要是个基督教徒

不敢告诉他某某人对我说的话
不想破坏目前美好的一切
每一天...我都在挣扎
每一天...都要担心某某人告诉我的话
每一天...都在担心我们的恋爱是否快到尽头
每一天...都在强忍心痛
因为我...好喜欢他

他还不知道...也不想让他知道
我在过着幸福中的不幸
才开始不久...我不要它结束

多希望时间能永远停留在我们在一起的每一刻
喜欢一个人，是不需要理由的
也不需要由别人的嘴唇来代我告诉某某人我们的关系
更不需要分彼此的背景

真的好害怕...有谁能解除我心中的不安？
谁能给我一个安慰的拥抱？谁能让我在他的肩膀痛哭？

我希望某某人的间谍看到我的部落格之后，不要再告诉某某人我在这里写的东西
因为我需要一个情绪发泄的空间
不要再加重我的负担了...

What happen to me?

I feel emptiness suddenly...juz duno wat's happening to me. Seldom blogged in English but this time I really lazy to type in chinese. Dayao finally came to an end...i shud feel happy. I never regretted as a musician head for dayao 2010. Over the past 6 months, I learnt many things...sincerely from my heart...thanks to all d producing group and non-producing group members...thanks to all for making this event successful^^miss u guys. Maybe the problem that makes me feel empty suddenly might be...I'm not that busy anymore. Ya...had been busy all these times managing dayao musicians. I admitted that I'm not a good leader coz sometimes I'm kinda blur...anyway, its over and I feel relieved when seniors said I did a good job. But...i juz wan to noe, did I really did a good job? Juz dun like when ppl said that I did a good job when I don't feel I did a good job...can anyone tell me that...am I a good leader? I nid not to be good in playing music, or talented in music arrangement...I juz wan to noe that...have I manage it well?

After dayao, I'm totally exhausted...I have loads of assignments n presentations n tests as well...but I don't have the mood to do them...n I rested for two whole days. I was thinking a lot for these two days...really moody=.=Feel like talking to someone. Juz nid somebody to understand me...to share my problems. I nid a person who is a Christian to share my thinking...and only that believer in Christ can understand me I guess. As a Christian, I noe I shud put God in the first place. I tried hard to reach God, but defeated by my human nature...I'm so damn exhausted everyday n I realised that I neglected Him. I'm so called a Christian...am I really a Christian? Seldom attended church since I entered uni...what happen to me? To other people who dun understands me as a Christian, u might see that I'm joyful always n have a simple thinking. I have complicated thoughts...of coz non-believers will not understand me. I'm struggling. I noe...my faith is not strong in God. I am not an overcomer...an my journey to be an overcomer is far enough.

God first loved us, even when I have forgotten Him sometimes...He still guides me when I am in a depression. Shall I just only call upon His name when I'm not feeling good? I feel guilty many times because HE STILL LOVES ME and yet only I call upon His name when I'm in depression. Always asked for forgiveness...but have I totally repented? Nope. I'm sure of that...because I have a human nature. 2012...izit coming? I saw the world is losing control each single day...disasters, death, crimes...n I have a book in my hometown - Bible code. Have not read it...but in that book it reveals the signs in the Holy Bible that the world is going to come to an end. Indeed...many things has happened. Am I afraid of death? I can't answer this right now. As a so called Christian, I shud not be afraid of death. Ya..a so called "Christian". Christians do not have an easy life...because each and everyday...we struggled. I do not treat Chrstianity as a religion as other people from other religions sees us as a religion. I noe that I am a beloved child of God, a believer of Jesus...n i sinned many times...repeated sins. I nid some advice on this...haiz. Honestly, I do not like the movie 2012. I don't know why...I was impressed by the producers of the movie from the animations n graphics...but not the storyline. It was kinda......making me sick. Not b'coz of the world ends. But something that I don't know.

Borned in a Buddhist family, I have been a so called Christian for over 10 years, baptized...but, I can feel I'm not wholly devoted. I said my prayers, read the word of God, attended church...yet...I do not feel much satisfaction with what I have in God. I need more. Of course, I'm just a normal human...I can sin easily, influenced easily by the world...which I am now. And feeling guilty is a sin as well...Satan's trap. I juz can't hold it...b'coz I do not have a strong faith in God. I'm still struggling...I have always encourage my Christian brothers n sisters in Christ to seek God in the 1st place when depressed...yet...I have failed to do it...I hope that I can improve on this...and I believe I will do it.

Juz feel moody these days...have been thinking too much when I do nothing...though I had many things to do...i had stopped listening to songs these 2 days...juz started back now. Juz wondering why I'm so emo...

一颗被冲淡的心

时间真的将一切冲淡了。虽然无法将有关的记忆删除，至少不会再时时刻刻莫名的去想念他了。过去就让它过去吧。已经彻底的死了这颗心。

可是，这颗心仍然不听话。明明已经没事了，为何还死都不肯去联络人家呢？
偶尔无意中碰到他，却假装看不见他
心里也知道，他看见了
但是，就是不想接触他的眼光
不想再痛第二次了
痛也痛过了，心也不再滴血了。
或许，不想再碰面了吧。
就让我的生活这样平淡的走下去...
一个没有他的生活，一个忙碌的生活
从心碎的那一刻，就一直这样一步步的走...

面具已经拆下了
脸上的表情不再因此而虚假
微笑...是真心的在笑
心里再也没有悲伤的存在
一切已经被冲淡了
不再有任何的牵挂
不再有任何的希望

就算一切从美好的那一段开始，也不愿意为他再次付出这颗心
因为...这颗心是那么的脆弱
经不起狂风暴雨
这颗心...只需要一颗真心对待它的心
它一直在等待那颗能感动它的心，那颗真诚的心

那颗能与这颗心的结合，何时会出现呢？
随缘吧~~

对他说的话

这些话
真的不知道要怎么告诉他
我很不开心~~
开学第一天
一直在别人面前微笑~~好高难度
差点喘不过气来了

朋友们，我不想大家看到我不开心
大家这个学期会因为大摇会累垮~~
所以请原谅我不乖~~
不想因为个人的情绪而影响别人的心情

其实...这段时间真的不想跟他联络
也不想碰到
我不是在冷战
我只是在保护我自己
不想再有一丝的牵挂
不想再给自己有一丝希望
不想再加深伤口
这个伤口...应该会很快痊愈吧
等我完完全全放开...
或许就会有再联络的一天~~
以后真的不小心碰面怎么办呢？
我能逃避吗？

真心话...
我真的不是在责怪他
也不是在责怪别人
对不起这句话
应该是我说才对
不是他说...
因为由始至终
错的或许是我

或许这段时间我会冷漠了些
真的不是冷战
我只是不想面对他
未来有一天
不痛了...再说吧

在此，也要再次告诉他~~
祝你幸福

对自己说的话

今天就一直闷闷不乐~~
一直在想...想太多了

一直告诉自己...
这一切一点都不值得留恋
接下来的日子还有好多的东西等着我去做
不能因为一时闹情绪而放弃一切
在大摇里也负有重任，乐手不能因为组长不开心而被我毁了~~

原来...
自己的演技实在是太好了
连家人也没发现我的异样
哈哈...这样也好
至少他们不会担心我~~也不想让他们担心

这个面具
虽然我不想戴，但我也会暂时戴着...
不想要别人为我烦心

这一切
都是我的错
我不怪任何人，只怪我自己
已经不是第一次了
原来，我的感情世界一路来都是那么的崎岖
第二次受伤了
就让时间来愈合我的伤口吧

...

心痛...又能如何？
谁能在此刻听我发牢骚？
我试着去哭...一直都哭不出来
所有有关的回忆...都被删除了

假装没事，真的很辛苦...
明天回大学了...又要再戴上面具了
何时才能把这个面具摘下？

结束了...一切都结束了...
忙碌的日子再来吧，快点给我多多功课做~~