What happen to me?

I feel emptiness suddenly...juz duno wat's happening to me. Seldom blogged in English but this time I really lazy to type in chinese. Dayao finally came to an end...i shud feel happy. I never regretted as a musician head for dayao 2010. Over the past 6 months, I learnt many things...sincerely from my heart...thanks to all d producing group and non-producing group members...thanks to all for making this event successful^^miss u guys. Maybe the problem that makes me feel empty suddenly might be...I'm not that busy anymore. Ya...had been busy all these times managing dayao musicians. I admitted that I'm not a good leader coz sometimes I'm kinda blur...anyway, its over and I feel relieved when seniors said I did a good job. But...i juz wan to noe, did I really did a good job? Juz dun like when ppl said that I did a good job when I don't feel I did a good job...can anyone tell me that...am I a good leader? I nid not to be good in playing music, or talented in music arrangement...I juz wan to noe that...have I manage it well?

After dayao, I'm totally exhausted...I have loads of assignments n presentations n tests as well...but I don't have the mood to do them...n I rested for two whole days. I was thinking a lot for these two days...really moody=.=Feel like talking to someone. Juz nid somebody to understand me...to share my problems. I nid a person who is a Christian to share my thinking...and only that believer in Christ can understand me I guess. As a Christian, I noe I shud put God in the first place. I tried hard to reach God, but defeated by my human nature...I'm so damn exhausted everyday n I realised that I neglected Him. I'm so called a Christian...am I really a Christian? Seldom attended church since I entered uni...what happen to me? To other people who dun understands me as a Christian, u might see that I'm joyful always n have a simple thinking. I have complicated thoughts...of coz non-believers will not understand me. I'm struggling. I noe...my faith is not strong in God. I am not an overcomer...an my journey to be an overcomer is far enough.

God first loved us, even when I have forgotten Him sometimes...He still guides me when I am in a depression. Shall I just only call upon His name when I'm not feeling good? I feel guilty many times because HE STILL LOVES ME and yet only I call upon His name when I'm in depression. Always asked for forgiveness...but have I totally repented? Nope. I'm sure of that...because I have a human nature. 2012...izit coming? I saw the world is losing control each single day...disasters, death, crimes...n I have a book in my hometown - Bible code. Have not read it...but in that book it reveals the signs in the Holy Bible that the world is going to come to an end. Indeed...many things has happened. Am I afraid of death? I can't answer this right now. As a so called Christian, I shud not be afraid of death. Ya..a so called "Christian". Christians do not have an easy life...because each and everyday...we struggled. I do not treat Chrstianity as a religion as other people from other religions sees us as a religion. I noe that I am a beloved child of God, a believer of Jesus...n i sinned many times...repeated sins. I nid some advice on this...haiz. Honestly, I do not like the movie 2012. I don't know why...I was impressed by the producers of the movie from the animations n graphics...but not the storyline. It was kinda......making me sick. Not b'coz of the world ends. But something that I don't know.

Borned in a Buddhist family, I have been a so called Christian for over 10 years, baptized...but, I can feel I'm not wholly devoted. I said my prayers, read the word of God, attended church...yet...I do not feel much satisfaction with what I have in God. I need more. Of course, I'm just a normal human...I can sin easily, influenced easily by the world...which I am now. And feeling guilty is a sin as well...Satan's trap. I juz can't hold it...b'coz I do not have a strong faith in God. I'm still struggling...I have always encourage my Christian brothers n sisters in Christ to seek God in the 1st place when depressed...yet...I have failed to do it...I hope that I can improve on this...and I believe I will do it.

Juz feel moody these days...have been thinking too much when I do nothing...though I had many things to do...i had stopped listening to songs these 2 days...juz started back now. Juz wondering why I'm so emo...

一颗被冲淡的心

时间真的将一切冲淡了。虽然无法将有关的记忆删除，至少不会再时时刻刻莫名的去想念他了。过去就让它过去吧。已经彻底的死了这颗心。

可是，这颗心仍然不听话。明明已经没事了，为何还死都不肯去联络人家呢？
偶尔无意中碰到他，却假装看不见他
心里也知道，他看见了
但是，就是不想接触他的眼光
不想再痛第二次了
痛也痛过了，心也不再滴血了。
或许，不想再碰面了吧。
就让我的生活这样平淡的走下去...
一个没有他的生活，一个忙碌的生活
从心碎的那一刻，就一直这样一步步的走...

面具已经拆下了
脸上的表情不再因此而虚假
微笑...是真心的在笑
心里再也没有悲伤的存在
一切已经被冲淡了
不再有任何的牵挂
不再有任何的希望

就算一切从美好的那一段开始，也不愿意为他再次付出这颗心
因为...这颗心是那么的脆弱
经不起狂风暴雨
这颗心...只需要一颗真心对待它的心
它一直在等待那颗能感动它的心，那颗真诚的心

那颗能与这颗心的结合，何时会出现呢？
随缘吧~~